Baby Blues or Post Partum Depression?

You've been waiting for close to nine months to see your baby and finally she’s here! Everyone in your family is excited and happy. Everyone, that is, except you. Maybe you feel tired and exhausted – after all, giving birth to a baby is no piece of cake! Maybe you feel overwhelmed by the whole process, especially if it is your first time. Perhaps you feel weepy and emotional – who wouldn’t feel emotional the first time they see their baby! But all through this, you’re wondering…if having a baby is supposed to be such a happy occasion, why am I feeling so low?

You’re not alone. Many new mothers feel overwhelmed and exhausted after giving birth. It is normal to experience a little moodiness, anxiety and sleep disturbances for the first two weeks after a baby is born, after all, learning to take care of your cute little bundle of energy takes some getting used to. With a little sleep and a helping hand, most mothers begin to feel better after a few days. If, however, you continue feeling low during the first two months after your baby is born, you may be suffering from more than just baby blues…you may be suffering from postpartum depression.

Several things may contribute to postpartum depression. Sometimes, a dramatic drop in the hormones in your body just after the baby is born may make you feel tired and depressed. When you’re sleep deprived, any little thing can seem overwhelming. You may feel anxious about your ability to take care of a new born baby and about all the lifestyle changes that you will need to make. The support or lack of support that you have from your partner and family may also contribute to a lot of the negativity.

So, how do you know that you have postpartum depression? During the first two months after your baby is born, if you consistently feel irritable or hypersensitive, find it difficult to concentrate on anything, feel anxious, worried or angry all the time and have negative feelings of hopelessness, helplessness and guilt, chances are that you may be suffering from postpartum depression. Other symptoms include a loss of interest in activities that you previously enjoyed, difficulty in sleeping, a change in your eating habits and patterns and a constant feeling of fatigue and exhaustion.

All through this, it helps to know that postpartum depression is not a character flaw or a weakness. It can be managed and treated. Once you start feeling better, you may begin to enjoy a whole new bonding experience with your baby!

Apart from seeking professional help, there are a few things that you can try at home to cope with your depression and anxiety.

Do NOT feel guilty – Many mothers feel guilty for being sad and depressed. Well-intentioned advice from relatives and friends may also make you feel like you’re not doing enough. Just remember, managing a baby 24/7 is not an easy task. Stop beating yourself up!

Talk about your feelings – Talk to your partner or a sympathetic friend about what’s happening with you. While you’re at it, talk to other mothers as well. You may be surprised at how many women have experienced the same thing!

Take care of yourself – It’s easy to forget yourself when you’re so busy taking care of someone else. Take time out to make sure that your own basic needs are met. Are you eating properly? Are you able to snooze when your baby is napping? Take time out for a leisurely shower. Very often, when we look good, we feel good as well. Tell yourself, “It’s okay to focus on me!”

Lower your expectations – You may have been able to maintain a neat and tidy home up until now but that may not always be possible when you’re balancing a crying baby on one side and messy diapers, soiled clothes, feeding bottles and daily chores on the other. It’s okay! Let it be. As long as you are able to meet the baby’s basic needs as well as yours, leave all the rest for later.

Ask for help – Part of being a good mother is to know when to ask for help. Don’t be afraid to ask for it during this difficult time. Help comes in many forms, be it a good friend who can bring over some food for you, a relative who can help you with household chores or a good counsellor who can help you through therapy. All you need to do is ask!

Get some rest – Taking care of a new born baby can be quite taxing and exhausting. It is important to give yourself rest breaks, away from your baby, a few times a day. Whether it is reading a magazine, watching tv or going out for a short walk, it is important to take some time out during the day just for yourself.

Go out! – Put your baby in a stroller and take her out for a walk. The fresh air and sunshine will do you both a world of good! If you’re not up to walking around right now, simply sit outside in the sunshine for a few minutes. It will help!

Take it easy – Or at least, try to. Resist the temptation to do the laundry while your baby sleeps. Get your food home delivered – don’t exert yourself by cooking and cleaning the house. Put your phone on silent when you’re making your baby sleep or when you’re getting your much needed rest. Office work can also wait! Make “you” your top priority!

As with any kind of illness, treatment is the best course of action. A counsellor or a doctor will be able to help you get through this tough time. Once you start feeling better, you will find these negative feelings diminishing. You will be able to enjoy a better relationship with your baby and you will be able to cope better with all the joys and frustrations that are a part of this glorious journey of motherhood!

Resources

www.mayoclinic.org

www.babycenter.com

How Can I Be Assertive?

There are times in our lives when we are faced with situations in which we must stand up for ourselves. It may involve a friend who continuously borrows money from us. It may be a noisy neighbor playing his music too loud. Or a poor performance rating at work that you feel you don’t deserve. When faced with these situations, there are generally three ways that we may respond. We may be passive, aggressive or assertive.

How would you respond to these situations?

You may be passive and accept the situation even though you want to say no – “Sure, let me just stop by an ATM and get the money for you.”

You may be aggressive and yell at your neighbour – “SHUT THAT NOISE OFF!”

You may be assertive and express your view firmly without offending the other person – “I’d like to understand why I got such a low performance rating when I got the highest revenues in the whole team. Could you please explain it to me?”

Assertiveness involves being open in expressing your wishes, thoughts and feelings and encouraging others to do likewise; listening to the views of others and responding appropriately, whether in agreement with those views or not; accepting responsibilities and being able to delegate to others; maintaining good boundaries with others; being firm without being rude; regularly expressing appreciation of others for what they have done or are doing; clarifying disputes immediately without letting them build up; being able to admit mistakes and apologize; maintaining self-control; and behaving as an equal to others.

Being assertive falls right in the middle of being passive and being aggressive. If you are passive, you will never get to vocalize your needs; if you are aggressive, you will look like a bully and provoke a lot of resentment from others; but if you are assertive, you will be able to express your desires while respecting the needs of others and you will have a better chance of getting what you want and deserve.

Can you be assertive all the time? Maybe. But it helps to know that assertiveness is contextual. All of us behave passively in some situations and aggressively in other situations and this could be perfectly acceptable in society. For example, if you are in an extremely competitive job, you would be required to be aggressive in getting business deals. In our Indian culture, we are taught at a young age to be obedient to our elders. So if your parents or grandparents were to ask you to do something for them, you might do it without asking too many questions simply because society expects it of you or because it is considered your “role” in the context of family, society and work.

Does this then mean that you should be a “pushover” when it comes to your elders in society and superiors at work? Not necessarily. The important thing here is to be able to express our own feelings, opinions, thoughts and desires to the other person without offending him or her. If your own and other people’s boundaries, rights and morals are being compromised in any way, then chances are that you are no longer assertive but aggressive.

As you can see, there is a thin line between being assertive and being aggressive. You may think that you are standing up for yourself, but you may actually be behaving aggressively. Let’s explore some of these instances.

If the way that you are being assertive sounds a little aggressive, you can’t help but convey the message that “my perspective is more important than yours and should be given top priority.” In such instances, you’re simply unwilling to consider that the other person’s position is – in the world of their experience – just as sincere, authentic, or heartfelt as yours.

If you are convinced that your way of thinking is the “only” right one, you may inadvertently be dismissive of others’ viewpoints. This failed assertiveness is not only discourteous and disrespectful, but almost certain to defeat your purpose. When you adamantly stand up for yourself, it can be quite offensive to the other person. This may prompt the other person to similarly be attacking or defensive towards you or may cause them to withdraw from you altogether.

If you are too insecure to look within your own possible weaknesses or wrongdoing, you may feel compelled to stubbornly defend your viewpoint even though it may be irrational. You may not be able to realistically assess whether it is you who needs to reconsider your position or to change in some way. As long as you feel this way, you may close yourself off to what the other person has to say.

How can you check if you’re doing it right? One way is to try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to see things from his or her perspective. Would you then still behave the same way?

It also helps to think about how much you really need to justify or explain yourself. Is it possible to agree that you have different viewpoints and leave it at that? Do you always need to win every argument?

Non-attackingly clarifying your perspective to the other person without being self-righteous or too defensive may also help. Can you put your point across without offending the other person?

Familiarizing yourself with the facts of the situation may also help so that you have a firm foundation to stand on when you are standing up for yourself. Are your arguments based on facts? Is there a possibility that they could be irrational?

Observing how other people react to you once you’ve started being assertive may also help in checking your own behaviour. Do they respect you more now? Are they hurt or offended? When you’ve learned how to mindfully stand up for yourself, you’ll find that you’ve greatly increased the odds that whatever you have to say will be better understood — and given more weight — than may ever have been the case previously.

Does all this seem difficult to put into action? Maybe so at the beginning. But once you begin to practice assertiveness consciously on a daily basis, you may find that it becomes easier with time and may even come naturally to you at some point.

Positive and Negative Outlook to Life

There was once a traveller who was walking from a village in the mountains to a village in the valley. As he walked along, he saw a monk working in a field, so he stopped and said to the monk, “I’m on my way to the village in the valley, can you tell me what it’s like?”

“Where have you come from?” enquired the monk.

The man responded, “I have come from the village in the mountains.”

“What was that like?”  the monk asked.

“Terrible!”  the man exclaimed, “no-one spoke my language, I had to sleep on a dirt floor in one of their houses, they fed me some sort of stew that had yak or dog or both in it and the weather was atrocious.”

“Then I think that you will find that the village in the valley is much the same,” the monk noted.

A few hours later another traveller passed by and he said to the monk, “I am on my way to the village in the valley, can you tell what it’s like?”

“Where have you come from?” enquired the monk.

“I have come from the village in the mountains.” 

“And what was that like?”

“It was awesome!” the man replied, “No-one spoke my language so we had to communicate using our hands and facial expressions.  I had to sleep on the dirt floor which was really cool as I’ve never done that before.  They fed me some sort of weird stew and I have no idea what was in it but just to experience how the locals lived was great and the weather was freezing cold, which meant that I really got a taste of the local conditions.  It was one of the best experiences of my life.”

“Then I think that you’ll find that the village in the valley is much the same,” responded the monk.

What would you experience during counselling?

Assertiveness Quiz

Courtesy: Mutual of Omaha

Know Your Counsellor

Dr. Shireen Stephen has a Ph.D. in Health and Industrial Psychology and an M.Sc and M.Phil in Applied Psychology (counselling). She has a diploma in Christian Counselling and is a certified Cognitive Behavioural Therapist (CBT) and NLP Practitioner. Over the last 9 years, she has worked in the capacity of a counsellor, researcher and lecturer. She has worked almost exclusively with employees of the BPO industry by helping them understand and cope with the various unique health effects of working at odd hours and working through relationship challenges. To this effect,
she has conducted numerous online workshop modules on choosing the right life partner.

Some of her areas of expertise are relationship counselling, marital counselling, stress management, anger management, anxiety and panic, grief, depression, domestic violence, addiction, eating behavior and obesity, parenting, phobias, sexual abuse, sleep disorders, terminal illness, loneliness, positivity, confidence building, sadness, insecurities, decision making, women's health, family support, sexuality (LGBT) and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

She uses a problem focused and action oriented approach to deal with problems. Her primary therapy orientation is using cognitive behaviour therapy techniques. She strongly advocates positive psychology and holds the humanistic view that each individual has the potential for self-actualization and possesses the necessary tools to lead a satisfying life.